Paradox of Existence: Part II

I have often felt and made it a point to declare that, I feel lonely even when I am amidst people... people whom I know, people I trust, people I love. I am perfectly present with them... talking, sharing, laughing and enjoying the camaraderie.

Yet I suddenly feel aloof. I feel that I drift away... partially conscious of the event. I feel alone and lonely. 

Whenever I have voiced this feeling out, it seems to boomerang. Many of the people I know, have told me that they have felt the same way too. I have always been curious about this feeling while surreptitiously enjoying it. Over a period of time I learned to admit that I do enjoy it. You can never keep secrets from your own self. 

Today, as I was reading an article in The Speaking Tree, it came as a revelation to me that this feeling of loneliness we experience while we are with others... in a way is perfect! Now I know why I secretly enjoyed it. 

There are certain laws or codes, most of them unwritten which we learn as we play the game of life. We have to hit the turf to know how these laws function. The one which I am writing about today can be related to one of the fundamental laws of 'attachment with detachment' which Lord Krishna preaches through The Gita.

We are not meant to get completely lost. Neither should we be completely lost in our own inner worlds nor should we completely dilute ourselves in the crowd. If we are on earth, most of our karma unfolds through our interactions with people whether physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. Hence, as I understand it, there is a point of intersection between 'being with others' and 'being by oneself'.

This point is yet another Paradox of Existence. I am continuing to explore it...continuing to explore the Perfection in the Paradox.

Paradox of Existence

I was recently having a conversation with one of my students, who happens to be a photography enthusiast. Our conversation found its way to the topic of self-actualization. She asked me a question. I began my process of explanation with a question...which is so typical of me. I asked her why does she love photography? She answered saying that she liked 'freezing time'. I went on with my explanation using photography as the locus and answered her question.

Her question was answered...but the session we had had, led to new questions sprouting in my mind. I specifically chose to reflect on my question and her answer of wanting to 'freeze time'. The idea of 'freezing time' swam all through my subconscious until my next conversation with her. I was intrigued to know what made her want to 'freeze time'. Her reasons failed to surprise me. I wont be elaborating them though.

I now look around at everyone...those known and unknown... and finally into the mirror at myself too. I see a bunch of human beings who love clicking away as many moments as possible, no matter how significant or insignificant they are, more so with the advent of digital cameras. We are indeed using the camera merely as a tool that satisfies our intrinsic desire to freeze time.

Photography...which until then had just carried the labels of a hobby, a profession and a passion...began morphing itself into a philosophy. A philosophy which began unveiling a grand picture that might continue to baffle me throughout my life...

Why do we try to freeze time inspite of knowing that it is an illusion? Why do we often feel like going back in time and leave our spirits oscillating between the past and present when we know that it is contrary to reality? Why do we fear stagnation in a world where change is the only constant? Why are we prone to attachments when detachment is the culmination of every attachment? Why do we know some people so deeply that it forces us to become strangers to them?

I have been trained to think rationally. I have been appreciated for the use of my logical reasoning ability. But this very same ability has today led me to a path where I come face to face with principles and laws of the universe that refrain from conforming to logic. Asking questions, has always been my forte. I have always believed in 'learning by asking' and have encouraged others to do the same. But today, my questions have taken me to a point where there are no answers. After having cultured a habit of asking questions, over a period of time, I have come to learn that some questions are better left unanswered.

The Paradox of Existence. My mind is questioning it...trying desperately to dig into it hoping to find answers...knowing that I may not find them. Afterall... this is the paradox of my existence.

Lost in the Maze

And finally I was there.

No matter how many years pass by or how many milestones you cross, life has an uncanny knack of bringing you back to the old roads. You reach there unexpectedly. And these places catch you off guard.

It was once such place. My college. I was out on an official errand. I was returning back home. I was rushing towards Churchgate station to catch the train before it gets crowded. I knew that I was walking through the adjacent lane to my college. Suddenly there was an urge in me to go and have a look at that place where I had spent 5 precious years of my life and learnt a couple of great lessons ... from books as well as from life.

As I walked down that road , the corners of which I knew almost intuitively, there was a rush of strange feelings and thoughts. I was walking slowly, experiencing every feeling.... thinking every thought.

It hadn't been long since I was in college. But yet it seemed as though it had been years since I had graduated. I was longing to see it. My pace increased as did my thoughts. The structure finally showed up among the trees that surround it. I slowed down as I came closer.

And finally I was there.

My college was right in front of me. The building, the stairs which lead to the lobby, the classrooms, the adjacent library....everything was there. It triggered a sudden flashback. A fast-forward of flashback. The days spent, peers, friends, teachers...all of them shot by....random names..random faces...faces whose names I couldn't recollect...all the nostalgia one can think of.

It seemed as though I was there yesterday. I could remember some of the events and times vividly. Till this point, I guess all of you can imagine.

It is then, that the twist begins....I see fresh faces none of which I can recognise. I find my eyes searching for someone whom I may know...someone who would wave to me...someone who would smile at me....someone who would run across the road and start chatting up on whats happening and whats coming up the day after.

But I see none. I feel like an odd man out. I feel as though I'm far away from that place. I am not part of it anymore. I can proudly call myself an alumnus but that still puts me in the past. Alumnus means that you 'were' a part...you are 'no more' a part of it. New kids are on the block. They have occupied the benches which I was occupying sometime back. Its a perfectly normal and natural phenomenon. Time goes by and you move on while someone else takes your place.

But then why is it that I feel the proximity and the distance at the same time? Why do I feel that I was there yesterday as a part of it and today I am a stranger? Why am I feeling that I exist in yesterday and today at the same time? Is there a difference? Is there something that divides yesterday and today? Is time real?

This is when I start believing in Einstein's theory that there is nothing called as time. Time is an illusion. Physicists believe that events merely exist in space. Probably they do. Yesterday and Today exist in space together. It is probably we who are travelling in space from one event to the other. I feel as though I exist in yesterday, today and tomorrow parellely. The one which dominates is the one I choose. The day I saw my college, yesterday and today intersected.

I don't understand this idea completely and sometimes I feel lost in this maze.

But this feeling has a bitter sweet taste to it. Lose yourself in this maze sometimes and taste the feeling it gives you. You will feel something close to eternity.